I’m Back! (+ my depression relapse story)

It feels funny to write “I’m back” after only publishing 2, maybe 3, blog posts…but, here I am! Did you miss me? Thea, Alex and I shared the stomach bug (sharing is NOT caring in this situation) and it was AWFUL…hence why I was gone. Thankfully, we are all back to “normal” now…it’s good to be back to the blog!

To those of you who follow me on Facebook, you know I recently struggled with a medication “change” (or a depression relapse as I like to call it)…to those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook, let me explain…

2-ish months into motherhood I began realizing that I wasn’t just experiencing the “baby blues” and something was seriously wrong. Alex noticed it much sooner (i.e. 2 weeks postpartum when I couldn’t stop crying after Thea spit-up or looked at me the wrong way), but I didn’t want to admit he was right, nor did I was to slap a “postpartum depression” stigma sticker on my forehead. I was literally convincing myself that what I was experiencing was normal and I would be fine.

Spoiler alert: it was NOT normal and I was NOT okay.

I sucked up my pride and I went to my PCP and he recommended a low-dose antidepressant…was I opposed to having to medically help my brain chemical imbalance? No. Was I angry at myself for waiting so long to seek help? Yes. I said yes and I gave it a shot…4 weeks later I still felt the same depression-like symptoms and at this point, I had convinced myself (even more) that I was not made out for motherhood, and I was failing at everything. So, I dragged my butt back to my PCP, and we upped the dose. Guess what? THAT was the magical moment and that is when I started feeling better (not perfect, but better).

I rode this “train” for the last 8 months or so. I still had my good days, and my not-so-good days, but generally I was a LOT better. I felt so much better that I decided I didn’t want to rely on medication to make me feel “normal” anymore…with the guidance and support from my PCP, I stopped my antidepressants…cold turkey…and this is what happened:

Note: I am NOT a healthcare provider in ANY way, shape or form. PLEASE consult your healthcare provider if you have any questions regarding medication changes.

Week 1: I was cool as a cucumber. I was medication-free, I lost 10 pounds (seriously) and I was feeling like I could conquer the world.

Week 2: I started to notice things were bothering me more than they were in the past 7-8 months. I was getting extremely anxious, again, and I had very little patience. I sucked it up to the change of weather and carried on.

Week 3: The week 2 symptoms progressively got worse, I didn’t want to leave my house, I didn’t want to do anything while I was home besides lay in bed and watch TV. Which, is pretty impossible with an almost-toddler, but you get where I’m going.

Week 4: I read another blog post regarding depression relapse, and the fact that it is a very real thing, took myself back to my PCP, explained my symptoms and what I was thinking/feeling and back on my medications I went.

I was SO incredibly angry…I was angry at the world and I was angry at myself. WHY couldn’t I be back to normal without my medication? WHY couldn’t I function like a “normal” human being? WHY couldn’t I feel like every ‘happy’ Facebook, stay-at-home, blog-Mom that I see and read about constantly?

It was not my time, yet…THAT’S why.

Maybe, to you who are reading this, it was your time…it was your time to be medication-free, to feel like yourself again, to say ‘F*** you’ to whatever has ailed you…and for that, I am so incredibly happy for you. We will all have our time, and it just wasn’t mine quite yet.

Always remember, you’re never alone, Mama!



Published by Megan.Rowlands

Hi, I'm Megan! A 26-year-old Mom of 1, Thea, and wife to Alex. My blog is all about life before, during and after pregnancy as well as living the new, exciting, exhausting and emotional life of motherhood.

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