It feels funny to write “I’m back” after only publishing 2, maybe 3, blog posts…but, here I am! Did you miss me? Thea, Alex and I shared the stomach bug (sharing is NOT caring in this situation) and it was AWFUL…hence why I was gone. Thankfully, we are all back to “normal” now…it’s good to be back to the blog!
To those of you who follow me on Facebook, you know I recently struggled with a medication “change” (or a depression relapse as I like to call it)…to those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook, let me explain…
2-ish months into motherhood I began realizing that I wasn’t just experiencing the “baby blues” and something was seriously wrong. Alex noticed it much sooner (i.e. 2 weeks postpartum when I couldn’t stop crying after Thea spit-up or looked at me the wrong way), but I didn’t want to admit he was right, nor did I was to slap a “postpartum depression” stigma sticker on my forehead. I was literally convincing myself that what I was experiencing was normal and I would be fine.
Spoiler alert: it was NOT normal and I was NOT okay.
I sucked up my pride and I went to my PCP and he recommended a low-dose antidepressant…was I opposed to having to medically help my brain chemical imbalance? No. Was I angry at myself for waiting so long to seek help? Yes. I said yes and I gave it a shot…4 weeks later I still felt the same depression-like symptoms and at this point, I had convinced myself (even more) that I was not made out for motherhood, and I was failing at everything. So, I dragged my butt back to my PCP, and we upped the dose. Guess what? THAT was the magical moment and that is when I started feeling better (not perfect, but better).
I rode this “train” for the last 8 months or so. I still had my good days, and my not-so-good days, but generally I was a LOT better. I felt so much better that I decided I didn’t want to rely on medication to make me feel “normal” anymore…with the guidance and support from my PCP, I stopped my antidepressants…cold turkey…and this is what happened:
Note: I am NOT a healthcare provider in ANY way, shape or form. PLEASE consult your healthcare provider if you have any questions regarding medication changes.
Week 1: I was cool as a cucumber. I was medication-free, I lost 10 pounds (seriously) and I was feeling like I could conquer the world.
Week 2: I started to notice things were bothering me more than they were in the past 7-8 months. I was getting extremely anxious, again, and I had very little patience. I sucked it up to the change of weather and carried on.
Week 3: The week 2 symptoms progressively got worse, I didn’t want to leave my house, I didn’t want to do anything while I was home besides lay in bed and watch TV. Which, is pretty impossible with an almost-toddler, but you get where I’m going.
Week 4: I read another blog post regarding depression relapse, and the fact that it is a very real thing, took myself back to my PCP, explained my symptoms and what I was thinking/feeling and back on my medications I went.
I was SO incredibly angry…I was angry at the world and I was angry at myself. WHY couldn’t I be back to normal without my medication? WHY couldn’t I function like a “normal” human being? WHY couldn’t I feel like every ‘happy’ Facebook, stay-at-home, blog-Mom that I see and read about constantly?
It was not my time, yet…THAT’S why.
Maybe, to you who are reading this, it was your time…it was your time to be medication-free, to feel like yourself again, to say ‘F*** you’ to whatever has ailed you…and for that, I am so incredibly happy for you. We will all have our time, and it just wasn’t mine quite yet.
Always remember, you’re never alone, Mama!