“I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…I can absolutely NOT do this…HELP!” These were the words and thoughts going through my head in early-October 2018. I was approximately 8 weeks away from my due date with our daughter, Thea, when fear, anxiety and self-doubt hit me like a ton of bricks.
I began doubting everything I had (thought) I’d prepared for. Labor and delivery wouldn’t be THAT bad…right? WRONG. Anything I could possibly think of that could go wrong, would have gone wrong. The epidural wasn’t going to work…then, said epidural, was going to leave me paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of my life…I was going to poop myself on the hospital bed and THAT was not an option in my book. Absolutely NOT. These were all continuations of the “I can absolutely NOT do this” thought process.
Then, I found a blogger by the name of Amber (go check her and her blogs out here)…she is a true inspiration, and a big part of the reason I made the choice I did. In September 2018, she published a blog post about choosing an elective c-section for tokophobia. I read her post and realized that we must have been twins separated at birth…there was no possible way that there was someone else out there experiencing the same thoughts and fears that I was. Well, surprise, there was!
I printed our her entire blog post (totaling 6-7 pages, printed) and brought it with me to my next prenatal OB-GYN appointment. I needed physical, solid “proof” that I wasn’t completely crazy…and, guess what? The very first doctor I brought this idea to thought I was absolutely NUTS for even bringing up the idea. Guess what (again)? That was the last time I saw that doctor. I knew I wasn’t crazy, and I wasn’t going to take an immediate, unexplained “no” as an answer.
I had another appointment that following week (mind you, we’re now 7-ish weeks to my due date) and I proposed the idea, again, to another doctor…my routine doctor (thank goodness for her). Yup, you guessed it…guess what? She DIDN’T think I was crazy! I finally had validation that my thoughts and fears weren’t uncommon, and there was going to be a way to ease them.
By the end of that week, my elective, primary cesarian section was on the schedule for Wednesday, November 21, 2018…the day before Thanksgiving!
THIS is where my interest, and motivation, to start my own blog happened. I wanted to share my story past my friends, family and Facebook page. I wanted to scream it from the mountaintops (but was too afraid to do that) so a blog is close, right?
From November 21, 2018 to today (October 5, 2019) a LOT has happened. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually…and I want to share that with you.
Thanks for stopping by. Your support means the world to me. I hope you enjoy my posts just as much as I’ve enjoyed living them. And always remember…
You’re never alone!